Tuesday, December 22, 2009

it's over at last

Believe it or not, after that last post in Oct 08, I went through another year of this. He'd tell me he wanted me, that he had stopped trying and broke up with her but he wasn't quite ready yet, then he was ready but not yet unencumbered, etc.

I think I've been dating a pathological liar. He really does believe what he's saying at the time he says it. The operative phrase being 'at the time.' I don't know what he's been telling her. I don't know if the few steps forward he's taken really happened.

But it's over now. I was at the end of my rope and dangling there for a long time. Too long. We had one more boom-and-bust cycle, where he wants to see me, we have a great time together, we get close, then he backs off and tells me we can't see each other. I finally blew my top, he flipped out and said a bunch of simply crazy stuff.

No more friends and definitely never lovers. It's kind of sad. I thought I had a straightforward man with an amazingly positive attitude, seemingly clear of emotional problems, and it turns out he has more problems than most.

But if anyone gives a damn, which I rather doubt, I am still alive and actually feel a bit like I've finally left a nightmare. I can't believe I'm out, I'm fragile like a dove's egg. Part of me has gotten so used to it that I am surprised when I find myself using my brain the way I used to: it's as if 90% of my background processing had been devoted to this futile task, and now that CPU time has suddenly been freed up for real stuff.


Sunday, October 12, 2008

long time coming

No, I'm not dead. I've been through hell: keeping my sanity while a guy loves two women, has a hard time saying no, can't make up his mind, and can't keep his feelings about a woman to himself. Add into this mix one woman who is possessive to the point of mental illness (ex) and another woman who is hopeful to the point of being a doormat (me). Crossing my fingers, I think he's coming back to me. Things he's said to me make it reasonably certain.

It has been really, really (^1000) hard.

Good things have come out of it -- and I don't count the coming back as a good thing, because it has only partially happened. My attitude about life has changed a lot. I'm more positive and perhaps a bit kinder. I've been on an expedition for new friends (meetup.com is a pretty damn amazing thing) and have found some acquaintances and done stuff I didn't think would be all that great but turned out to be fun. My god, I'm having fun (what is this thing you call fun?).

It didn't kill me, and to my surprise, I think it has made me stronger.

Thursday, May 22, 2008

is it all a game

Sometimes I wonder exactly what is being accomplished when he tells me I should not wait for him. He says he wants me to protect myself emotionally: if I assume he is not going to be my lover, I cannot be hurt any more if he decides to stay with xgf. We have to go through this charade of consciously turning our faces from the idea of potential relationship. Yet it is almost certain he won't stay with her.

Why must we do this?

Sunday, May 18, 2008


It's a good thing I wrote the previous entry. I was in a pretty bad state today about this. That last one gives a few drops of hope that we have a future together.

Today, I'm disturbed because I can now feel anger at him and dislike him. I can analyze all his bad qualities. For example, seeing me when the xgf has disallowed it is a weaselly quality that may bite me back in the future.

Ultimately, this is a good thing: better I see clearly now than 10 years down the road.

Saturday, May 10, 2008

wonders never cease

I believe he's starting to come around.

Despite the xgf's demands that we have only email contact, we phone anyway. And we had a very good time together today. Quite platonic, but the attraction is clearly still present: he sits close to me, touches me, kisses me goodbye (neck, of course, nothing so obviously intimate).

Recently I told him the sharp loneliness jags were pretty much over and though it would be nice to be able to phone and/or see, I could live without -- but I still wanted to be friends. I think that took a certain amount of pressure off him.

My ulterior motive, though, is to return the xgf to a state of confidence, belief that she has him completely. The more confidence she has, the less effort she'll put into trying to keep him. And thus the sooner he'll leave her.

I don't want to tell him I'm giving up on him, because even though that might make this happen faster, it's not true and not what either of us wants, and he might take me at my word. The most convincing lie is the one with the most truth in it.

In an interesting bit of conversation today, he admitted the possibility that the girlfriend in his future might not be her. This is a first.

Tuesday, May 06, 2008

nonprogress on the outside

There's an advantage to having a mutual friend who possesses some judgment. That is a person who will tell you things that are important, but not tell you things that he feels you don't need to know or will just get your dander up.

I had tried to pin down the semib/f on how he feels about exgf and where he thinks it's going. He's said in various nonverbal ways that it simply isn't there for him. He feels no sense of renewal, no spark. Exgf seems happy and is treating him well, he says, but these words come out in a tone completely skeptical about how long this good treatment will last.

And yet his words are always It's too early to tell.

Mutual friend to semib/f: You're just going through the motions with [exgf]. You know it's going to fail.
Semib/f: Yes.

Saturday, May 03, 2008


A mutual friend is estimating it will take 1 to 2 months for him to realize that the ex is not going to work out.

The ex doesn't want me to see, talk, or email him. This, he agrees, is bullshit, but he wants to abide. He wants to feel clear of distraction so he can really see what the ex is about. So we email.

Twice so far I have had a day full of loneliness jags. The entire day I'm trying to find things to do so I won't think about him, and anytime I stop or finish what I'm doing, there I am thinking again. It's a strange sensation, akin to being stabbed; it's a sensation of weakness all over, but mostly in the gut.

I have no fucking idea how I'm going to survive 1 to 2 months of this.